PaulaKay

Just a quick note to let all my dear Buddy Slim friends know I will be back soon.  I have had some unanticipated expenses lately and then some accounts who are being VERY SLOW to pay.  And it’s that gift-buying time of year!  AARGH!!!  Anyway, I have been working nonstop trying to make these last invoices I will get paid on before Christmas as large as possible.  When I get on Buddyslim, I have a tendency to stay on way too long reading blogs and responding to all my buds.  Not wanting to pick and choose who I keep up with, I have unilaterally decided to take a break from BuddySlim until after this financial crisis has passed, which should be soon.  WHEW!!  I should have been on sooner to explain.  Hope I have not worried anyone.

On a weight-loss  note, I managed to maintain over Thanksgiving and lost 2 pounds this week!

Can’t wait to catch up with everyone!!

Other than that, I’m doing great!!  Seriously, I had a pity party yesterday.  It was my 41st birthday and it was more of a nonevent than anything.  My daughter was away from home for the first time, and she is the one that usually reminds my son and they will sing to me or clean the house or make me breakfast or something.  They are just teenagers and of course have no money, but they always make me something or do something nice and that’s all that matters.  Anyway, with my daughter gone, no one reminded my son, so he forgot.  My daughter did call, as did my sisters, my mom and stepdad, and my dad and stepmom, so it’s not like nobody remembered or anything (I know, I’m such a baby).

However, my boyfriend of 9 years totally forgot.  I think that’s what really hurt my feelings.  He is back in school fulltime and working fulltime, plus he lives about an hour away.  I knew I wasn’t going to get to see him, but I thought he would at least remember.  He has never forgotten before.  He called and told me all about his day at school and going to work and how stressed he was, etc. but never once said happy birthday.  When I finally told him he forgot my birthday, he did say he was sorry.  It was one of those “sorry, but” apologies though.  I hate those.  I’m sorry, BUT I have had so much on my mind, BUT I’ve been so busy with school, BUT you should have said something to me to remind me, BUT, BUT, BUT.

I’m easy.  All I needed was an “Even though I’ve been busy and preoccupied, that’s no reason to forget your birthday.  I’m sorry and I love you.”  Or something along those lines.  He was more worried about making himself feel better for forgetting, than he was about making me feel better that he forgot.  (Does that make any sense?).  Instead of sincerely apologizing and trying to make me feel better, he kept making excuses and waiting for me to say, “Well, it’s okay you forgot my birthday, I understand.”  Anyway, that’s how I perceived it.

Take that and combine it with the fact that I work from home and often feel really isolated.  Yesterday was one of those days.  I did not see one solitary adult human being on my birthday, and I had myself quite the pity party despite the fact that I am too old for that stuff.  It’s not like I’m some little kid.  I cried like a 9-year-old who had no one show up for her birthday party.  Anyway, I’m over it today.  The boyfriend called and apologized again and I eased up on him.  God willing, I’ll have plenty more birthdays in the future.  They can’t all be fabulous.

Oh, and I totally ate carbs yesterday.  I didn’t really overeat, but over the course of the day I ate a big baked potato and some pasta  and a big bowl of Cap’n Crunch.  Comfort food <sigh>.  But I’m not going to beat myself up about it.  I’m back on track today.

Oops!  Almost forgot about my boobs.  I was taking a shower today and they were so damn sore.  I thought great, I’m pregnant.  That’s probably why I’ve been so emotional.  Wonderful, this is all I need.  I was just reading about women who got surprised with unplanned pregnancies in their 40s.  This is just fan-freaking-tastic.  But then I realized I had just finished my period this weekend, so the timing was wrong for pregnancy.  It then dawned on me—-WALL PUSHUPS!!  I’ve been doing more and more every day, several times a day for a week and now my chest is sore!  It is such a small thing, but it really lifted my spirits.  Maybe if I keep on it will help lift my boobs, too!  Now, THAT would be a great 41st birthday present!!!

I belong to this website that sends me a daily meditation.  Some are more meaningful than others, some I love and some I just delete.  This one, however, really struck me and how it could apply to weight loss and healthy habits and I thought I’d share it with ya’ll.   I’d love to hear what you think.

Watch your thoughts; they become words.

Watch your words; they become actions.

Watch your actions; they become habits.

Watch your habits; they become character.

Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

–Frank Outlaw

Are some people destined to be fat?  I know sometimes I have felt like it.  Can it really all hinge on my thought processes?  Can changing the way I think really be the first step to taking control of my destiny?  Eureka!  I think I might be on to something!!

First of all let me say how much this site has come to mean to me in such a short period of time.  There are so many positive, supportive, wonderful folks on here, it’s mind blowing.

I love to read everybody’s blogs, trying to get to know some people better, and I must say the tone of a few of the things I have come across disturbs me.  Please let me clarify that I have never gotten anything but positive and helpful responses to anything I have blogged.  I am referring to some of the blogs I have read just in browsing.

Is it really so horrible to say that you “fell off the wagon?”  For many of us, myself certainly, food is an addiction.  What makes it really difficult is that unlike alcohol or drug addiction, you can’t just abstain.  We all have to eat.  And just like that “one drink” can send an alcoholic on a binge, for a person with a food addiction that “one brownie” or “couple of chips” can turn into a binge that lasts for days. 

I’m not saying that one slip should make us abandon our efforts.  Of course not.  What I’m saying is that I understand how emotionally devastating that one slip can feel.  You feel like you blew it, like the control you thought you were gaining was all an illusion, like you can’t do it, like you just broke a promise to yourself, like a big FAT loser.

Is it good or justified to feel this way?  Absolutely not.  But feelings just are.  It does me no good to feel awful for having eaten something I shouldn’t have and then feel awful for feeling awful.  Know what I mean?  We all know that we can’t control our feelings; we can only control how we react to those feelings.

 So if I want to blog on BuddySlim about how much I hate myself for having eaten a whole bag of peanut M&M’s and washed it all down with a YooHoo, I ought to be able to do so.  This is the place for expressing whatever we’re feeling—-good, bad, and ugly.  I know for me, getting all of that negativity out of me and onto the page (or into the blog) really helps.  If I write about how disgusted I am with myself and how really rotten I feel about letting myself down, I can let it go and move on.  Later, when I re-read what I wrote, I can see how I overreacted and learn from it.  It’s a growth process.

 Some of the blogs I have read express disdain for people who bellyache about their mistakes or feel like a loser for “falling off the wagon.”  Be kind, guys, that’s all I’m saying.   We’ve all been there, haven’t we?  Some of you are stronger or wiser than me and can automatically put it into perspective when slip ups happen, shrug your shoulders, and get right back on track.  For others of us, the struggle with our demons is much harder.  Let’s lift up, not put down. 

I’m sure she’ll make lots of buddies without me, and she may not appreciate this blog–but I’m her mamma so she’ll get over it.  LOL

My daughter Logan just joined today.  I’m so proud of her.  She’s off to her freshman year at college (which she tells you).  What she doesn’t tell you is that it is an expensive private college and she is on a full ride.  I don’t know which is greater–the amount of my pride in her or the amount I miss her.

 Anyhoo, ya’ll have been great to me.  Please send out your love and welcome to my baby girl.  (I believe she is registered under “Logan”).

 Many thanks!!!

I pulled open my bread/chip drawer today to get a piece of whole wheat bread, and there were my son’s Cheetos staring at me wantonly.  They beckoned to me like a forbidden lover.  “Your son is not home,” they whispered.  “No one will know.”

I shut the drawer and wrote this “cheesy” (lol—-get it?) little rhyme and thought I would share it with ya’ll.

Ode to Cheetos

My mouth is hungry.  It is sending me signals like that horrid Venus flytrap from Little Shop of Horrors.  You remember the one, “Feed me, Seymore!”  However, I’m really not hungry.  Being an emotional eater, I have to stop and ask myself why I feel the need to eat.  Bored and lonely is what I came up with.  I’m done with work, nothing good on TV, no good books to read (time for a trip to the library), and my son is staying late after school for band practice.  So, instead of heading to the fridge, I have decided to try blogging, which I have never done before.

I just joined this site yesterday, which is also the same day I recommited myself to getting my eating under control.  I was thin until my mid 20’s when I found myself divorced with two small children, and food started to become my bosum companion.  With babies at home, I couldn’t get out much.  Food was cheap, legal,  available, something I could do at home, and it brought me pleasure.

I am now a few weeks away from 41.  My weight has traveled up and down on the scale more times than I can count.  I am 5′10″ and a whopping 283 pounds and miserable about it.  I have to make changes or face the health issues morbid obesity (God, I hate that phrase) is sure to bring me.  It has already taken a toll on my self esteem.

Anyway, I have always considered my weight loss journey to be something of a merry-go-round.  I think I’m getting somewhere, but I always end up right back where I started.  This time, I want to think of my journey as more of a wagon-train. I have joined up with a bunch of determined, weight-loss pioneers and all of us are heading in the same direction and willing to help each other along the way.

I have no buddies as of yet and would love to have some, so please drop me a line.  Thanks to all who took the time to read this.  Wow, the craving has actually passed.  This “blog sandwich” might not be as  tasty as the real thing, but it sure did help to fill me up.